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New York Nights part three After She Awoke
Contributed by
Doriens_Picture
on
Saturday, 27th November 2004 @ 11:09:51 PM in AEST
Topic:
StoryPoetry
|
Later on that night
She awoke and took a shower
I awoke shortly after to see her
She had left the door open and
Was laying down in the bath tub
With her eyes closed singing
She had a wonderful voice
Like no angel could ever have
This is what my heart has left
This is what I must conceal
All the pain had been put to rest
I am still not my self still not real
I have to put it to the test
Before my love I can reveal
And shes talented too
She stood up out of the tub
Got a towel and covered her self
She got another and started to dry her self
She then closed the door
Minutes later she got out dressed up
Again beautifully like a princess
She let her hair down this time
She then said its your turn
And that she wanted to go out
So I went in took off my shirt and pants
She would no let me close the door
So I stripped for her and she liked it
After the bath I got dressed and we went out
I had on a tight black shirt with a net shirt over
And a pair of red vinyl pants
I put my watch on so that I match
It was about three am and I did not care
We went downstairs and I was going to my car
She the said we did not have to
So I went with her and we got into a cab
Yeah a cab thats what I said
So anyways when it stopped we were in front of a club
It was a jazz club and that night they had an open mike night
So we got in and they called her name
They gave her a guitar and started to play
And to sing it was amazing
Well after the club we went to a park
To watch the son rise over the city
Everything was perfect and we finally kissed
I swear she stole my breath away
Copyright ©
Doriens_Picture
... [
2004-11-27 23:09:51]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: New York Nights part three After She Awoke
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Saturday, 27th November 2004 @ 11:50:51 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| hrm. i dont really like this too much. im not one to like too many desciptions or storylike poems. and its interesting in how most of your poems have a bathtub in it but no rubber duckie =] i thought the cab part was funny though, "Yeah a cab that’s what I said" =] |
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Re: New York Nights part three After She Awoke
(User Rating: 1 )
by eatfresh22 on
Sunday, 28th November 2004 @ 12:49:04 AM AEST
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Seemed a little rushed. The story is good, but it seems you were trying to cram it all into 3 parts....it needs a few more. The story again was nice, but not as good as the others because there was hardly any elaboration. I do like the more detailed description of her though, as you had me in suspense.
~Carrie~ |
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Re: New York Nights part three After She Awoke
(User Rating: 1 )
by little_genna on
Sunday, 28th November 2004 @ 04:03:35 AM AEST
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I have to agree with the others this one was lacking the same flaire.
Though it was good it just didnt grab me in the same way.
I think there should be at least two more parts to this story if not more.
Just be careful not to drag it out too much though.
Good luck sweetie
Love
Stace xxx |
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