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Obey
Contributed by
namesaretaken
on
Tuesday, 7th December 2004 @ 06:04:18 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
The light penetrates and the dark swallows
I have been consumed now
Moving in endless autonomy
Piece by piece number by number
I am now the kings jester
Only used at his leisure
Trapped in a wooden coffin, with nails shut
I have yet to mature but am stuck in a rut
A cubical hermit; the class room clown
My face exhibits craven stone frown
I keep pretending
That in this world I am blending
That the wounds are worth mending
Every moment of every day
I feel bits of my soul fall astray
And anger chokes my airway
Every moment I obey
Copyright ©
namesaretaken
... [
2004-12-07 18:04:18]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Obey
(User Rating: 1 )
by autumngreeneyes on
Tuesday, 7th December 2004 @ 06:27:56 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| you want to break free from conformaty? It stifles you to be the same as everyone? Yeah..I know the feeling..but do what you have to, when you have to, and then, be the special you...great poem. |
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Re: Obey
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Tuesday, 7th December 2004 @ 08:13:54 PM AEST
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| ::stunned:: this was amazing. so many creative verses, and a very original write. written extremely well. keep it up =] |
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Re: Obey
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on
Friday, 10th December 2004 @ 02:48:56 PM AEST
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I don't know....Don't take my words as truth....but what I've seen in your writing, it seems that you are close to a break through. You have potential to be a great writer, but you are struggling with how exactly to express yourself. But what you are expressing is real, and has a quality of depth, insight into yourself that I appreciate. A lot of these vesus are pretty good, but almost really good.
Trapped in a wooden coffin, with nails shut
I have yet to mature but am stuck in a rut
A cubical hermit; the class room clown
My face exhibits craven stone frown
I don't know if what I just said relates with this verse, but it kind of sounds like it does. What rut are you talking about? My only advice is to give up on rhyming. Screw it. It isn't important, in my opinion. A poem doesn't have to rhyme. And I think that when you try to rhyme, you in turn, conform to a certain style. You put yourself in a box. Rhyming a lot of the times holds people back from saying what they want to say in the most creative way. Give it a try. I think you could write some really amazing poetry. |
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