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Night Walkers
Contributed by
poorgirl
on
Friday, 31st December 2004 @ 08:27:16 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
The dark, seductive velvet of night descends.
With it, fallen angels shrouded in death.
Stalkingg the streets for the life they hold.
The precious life.
Silent wraiths of black mystique.
Twisted with sadistic glee.
Inhuman leeches caressing the city
With icy hands.
Stone cold in death.
Mere shodaws
They walk the ebony night.
Waiting for the next unbeliever
To believe in them.
Give them life.
Precious life.
Copyright ©
poorgirl
... [
2004-12-31 20:27:16]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Night Walkers
(User Rating: 1 )
by blacksabbath026 on
Friday, 31st December 2004 @ 11:24:24 PM AEST
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| Very nice, chilling sort of |
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Re: Night Walkers
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 6th January 2005 @ 07:33:46 AM AEST
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Okay . . .
Since this is the only poem of yours that I feel is worthy of my thoughts (your previous two were beneath my consideration, to be kind) I'll spare you some here, in the hope that you'll learn how to properly criticise someone's expression (not that I am any expert, myself) eventually in future.
First off - I like the way you describe the darkness (alone) in adjectives and verbs. "sadistic glee" and "caressing the city" with "black mystique" work well here (on their own).
However,
You have little grasp of grammar, evident after the first line, which shouldn't have a full stop/period ending. I would excuse this normally, but you seem so fastidiously clued up on everyone else's English language skills in your comments, I thought I'd point it out to you in your own rather overt tones.
Also, you contradict your description of these walkers/stalkers/midnight talkers, here;
"They walk the ebony night.
Waiting for the next unbeliever"
No-one waits whilst walking, do they? Its a little strange, to say the least.
And this just doesn't make sense;
"Inhuman leeches caressing the city
With icy hands."
Now, I know I pointed out the plus point in the descriptor, but we all know leeches don't have hands - if your leeches were human and did have hands - I can see how they could draw warmth from the city, as you see it. But unfortunately, you've wrote the inspiration all backwards.
I'd write;
"Insidious leeches sucking at the city
With icy teeth."
as it makes more sense, don't you think?
But at any rate, your ending was good, if repetitive in overusing the word 'precious' . . . I'd give it a 3, to be honest with you.
So - keep writing, I suspect this is a drastic improvement on your other two previous submissions, mainly because you employ form and structure and some useful wordlplay. However - take your own advice to one of your comments' recipients and go study the Oxford English - or even better, go ask the moderators for a spellcheck before you post next time.
Good luck. |
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