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Dirtbag
Contributed by
neveryours
on
Monday, 31st January 2005 @ 05:17:24 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
I feel black as dirt today
Foul, like manure on old man's farm
Drowning in excrement and these
Dark thoughts
Without expression
Only this
Swirling storm.
Passion swells in cauldrons
Over wicked flame, and I desire,
Yes,
To love you, but there is only
Tar in here, thick and viscous
Sucking your lightness with me
Into this black and heartless
Void.
Copyright ©
neveryours
... [
2005-01-31 17:17:24]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Dirtbag
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 31st January 2005 @ 05:34:59 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I like the cauldron analogy, along with viscosity . . . although when you say 'without expression', it seems as though you're contradicting yourself when you lament about 'feeling as black as dirt'. I think something more concise than 'without expression' would be better . . .
'without clarity' ? 'without health' ? 'without concentration' ?
Not entirely applicable, nor accurate, but I think you can see the direction in which I'm i'm headed . . .
Welcome back . . . |
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Re: Dirtbag
(User Rating: 1 )
by autumngreeneyes on
Tuesday, 1st February 2005 @ 11:07:21 PM AEST
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a Message)
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shouldn't it be.
on AN old man's farm..? just thought I'd ask..
nice poem though..and I'm sorry about last night.. really, I am.. and I have three feet..we could start off on a new one if you're interested at all..don't blame you if you say no..I am rather psychotic.. |
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