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Anti-i-ist
Contributed by
LevyMetal
on
Tuesday, 1st February 2005 @ 10:14:29 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
Hollow sea, anxiolytic drug.
Sweep dirt, and everything undone.
You so damn denied of me
Too full of bull and hurt to feel
All i need is all i bleed
and you, too drunk to care.
Ties tangled, mind sex-i-fied.
Sleep at day, rape by night.
Us so fisted in rage
To hurt to love and hate to feel
All you need is all you feed
and i, to stoned to care.
Sweat, motheryucker, cos you're about to die.
Bleed on my new rug and i'll make your dead body cry.
*karate kick*
Copyright ©
LevyMetal
... [
2005-02-01 22:14:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Anti-i-ist
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on
Tuesday, 8th February 2005 @ 07:28:02 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Again, clever title. It grabbed me from the beginning. Another thing is that, I like the poem, and yet it came across as being sloppy, with a few connecting words missing, some misspells, and other minor things, but I think that actually helped strengthen the poem, because it got across that rage that you have inside of you. It made the poem feel more angry.
Also, I think you had some clever words in here that made me laugh....."mind sex-i-fied." lol
And at the end when you put in the *Karate Kick* was really funny too. It contrasted with your last line, which was so angry, and then with the *Karate Kick* at the end, made it feel light hearted all of the sudden. Good write.
Be True,
zenmind |
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