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Ex-Fear
Contributed by
assassinatorgirl
on
Tuesday, 22nd February 2005 @ 04:49:29 PM in AEST
Topic:
ambiguous
|
Yesterday I looked in the mirror
Now I'm scarred for life
I felt my skin slowly turn to stone
And I heard screams.
Today I realize that I am her
The demon who has been laying on the edge of my knife
I am my worst friend, here in my own home.
Dragging MYSELF lower, not anyone else's dreams.
And all this means nothing to me,
I continue to let myself suffer.
Addicted to the pain
Addicted to self-despising
I want so much to be
wanted by everyone, a healer
But I destroy people inside out as they lay
and eat away their souls as their hearts are beating
I am a monster
A horrible thing
A disguting creature
I am not desired by anything
If I try to fight back
They make it ten times harder
Because I won't please them
and I need to please my masters
A slave to the earth, I recieve no slack
I do my best do serve but I never succeed.
I'm just a failure
I can do nothing right
What reason do I have to fight?
He told me he loved me
What proof did I have?
I wasn't sure how to trust again
I wanted to believe him, so you see
I put everything into him
All my time
All my love
I sacrificed everything
But I was not perfect
He wanted me to change
I agreed
I would do anything he wanted
Just to make him happy
Just to make him smile
He was everything to me
But I wondered
if he loved me,
then why was he not pleased with how I was?
I pushed away any doubt
Because I loved him so
I would let him sprout
And give him all my happiness
But then I found he was still not pleased.
I needed to change completely!
Maybe he just loved
Having his own little doll.
But that did not stop me,
Never! I said,
and I continued to follow wherever he led
Love is my master,
He is my love
Therefore I am a slave to him first, now
and the world is second.
His Christianity didn't like his new playtoy,
and he was so addicted that he let me convince him
that he could have both.
Because it was the truth
If God really forgives
Shouldn't God promote love?
I said
and he agreed,
but has yet to see
Christianity is full of hypocrisy
He loves me because I am honest, he says.
I don't know what to do.
I've lied to myself countless times
So then did I lie by not telling him?
I needed his love
I would have fallen deeper into this depression
I kept quiet
I wanted to be perfect for him
I would have done anything to keep him
But he wants me to be happy with myself.
But I hate myself, and I don't know how to love me after so much hate.
Sometimes I do, but other times I just look in the mirror
And I want to scream
I'm just a disgusting
Hideous beast.
In the end he was scared of me
I was so close to perfection
A robot striving to be better
And it disturbed him
So he ran
Disgusted, afraid
Full of fear he drowned out the guilt,
Claiming I was too young.
Why didn't it matter before?
I knew it had to be the fear
In the end that's what drives everyone away.
They fear a different way of thinking.
Copyright ©
assassinatorgirl
... [
2005-02-22 16:49:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Ex-Fear
(User Rating: 1 )
by rapnificent on
Thursday, 25th May 2006 @ 05:36:33 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| Cheers, to that elite, challening way ofhinking. Your words captured the desperation of any hungry heart. |
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