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Token of Ingratitude
Contributed by
ForeverAlone
on
Saturday, 5th March 2005 @ 02:41:09 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Dark Flame
Piercing the night sky
Forever to blame
Without a sholder to cry
Ingnorance without shame
I just wish you all would die
For the flame has perished
And the bright sky darkened
With the blame cherished
And the unatainable sholder broken
With stupidity as a blemish
This is my theory....Take it as a token.
Copyright ©
ForeverAlone
... [
2005-03-05 02:41:09]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Token of Ingratitude
(User Rating: 1 )
by Quilted_rag_doll on
Sunday, 6th March 2005 @ 02:32:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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short and simple, yet good...nice forum, okays on rhyming, some nice lines....
Auryn |
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Re: Token of Ingratitude
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 6th March 2005 @ 08:37:40 PM AEST
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a Message)
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very nice clark. especially the rhymes. this was a fantastic opening stanza...
"Dark Flame
Piercing the night sky" |
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Re: Token of Ingratitude
(User Rating: 1 )
by hauntedscorp on
Friday, 5th August 2005 @ 03:35:20 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Eeek!! The typos!! *ignores typos so she can continue*
I like the offbeat rhyme scheme you developed here...the first three stanzas coinciding, then the last three with each other...creative, and I very much like it! A couple lines upset the otherwise smooth flow though...I would've changed this:
"I just wish you all would die"
to...
"I just wish you'd all die"
AND...
"And the unattainable shoulder broken"
to...
"Unattainable shoulder broken"
Besides the numerous cringe-worthy typos, this was fairly good: )
Scorp. |
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