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Gun-Shy Butterfly
Contributed by
Deleterious_dislike
on
Tuesday, 15th March 2005 @ 07:08:27 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
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Gun-shy Butterfly
The silent lead shot through her wings at greater speed than light,
her colours bled and tears shed long into the night.
She fell upon a bed so soft made of grass and white rose heads,
stained in blood of blues and reds,
Covered thick in wing like shreds.
She would not be tamed.
Her heart now black would not be claimed.
He took his aim right through her wings,
now sorrows all her angel sings.
Was there ever more to love?
Was there ever more to her...?
The silent lead lay still and cold deep inside her corpse,
the gun lay also by her side screaming brainless thoughts.
It reached out far with armless urge,
Helpless..
..it watched the colours merge.
Out it cried with eyeless pain,
screamed with soundless, mouth less shame.
Will she ever soar again?
Forever will she lie dead, plain..?
Now it is inane.
There she rots beneath the rain.
Dead is her mind
Her beauty
Her fame
Black, white and grey remain.
Leave her there, that useless figure
Taken by the blindest trigger
Copyright ©
Deleterious_dislike
... [
2005-03-15 19:08:27]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Tuesday, 15th March 2005 @ 08:15:58 PM AEST
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that was dark and beautiful, a very good mix for a great poem in my opinion
pix xx |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by sweet_lil_b2003 on
Tuesday, 15th March 2005 @ 08:27:04 PM AEST
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| i like dark poetry wow... thats the best..interesting and intreging and it cought my attention loved it ~~Crystal~~ |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Tuesday, 15th March 2005 @ 08:59:47 PM AEST
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| ah, excellent work of art indeed. this was one that really displayed your talent. though i still like your real early posts, particularly the first ones i fell across. thankfully i fell across them =] keep on impressing the readers. =] |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by BuTTerFly_LoVe on
Tuesday, 15th March 2005 @ 09:17:18 PM AEST
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yaaahhh this is an excellent poem wow....!!!
GOOOd GREAT |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by SensitiveSoAbused on
Tuesday, 15th March 2005 @ 09:28:03 PM AEST
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I really enjoyed it. Loved the images.
A couple things, of course.
"…Was there ever more to love?
Was there ever more to her...?
and
"…Will she ever soar again?
Forever will she lie dead, plain..?
I think that these lines take away from the story. They are too rhetorical. These questions need to be something the reader thinks, not something they are fed.
"Covered thick in wing like shreds."
'Covered thick in wing-like shreds' would fit much smoother. If it was actually 'Covered thick in wing, like shreds' then it would stand to reason that using 'like' as a descriptve word conflicts with the metaphorical rest of the poem.
I loved the colours, the "stained in blood of blues and reds," and things like that. I loved the fact that we do not know who shot her and why. We know only that this tradgedy has taken place.
One thing I thought about was the reference of the gun in the line,
"The silent lead lay still and cold deep inside her corpse,
the gun lay also by her side screaming brainless thoughts."
I think it would almost be better not to mention the gun. Like the asassin, it should almost be completely intangible, not physically recognized... i like how it is taunting her, i like that bit showing its emotion; maybe even just not mentioning the word gun would work well, keeping it an abstract symbol.
"Now it is inane.
There she rots beneath the rain."
I absolutely loved the image of her rotting in the rain, but the wording takes so much out of it. The reader already realizes that it is inane, that is another thing that it is better not to feed, especially if just to fit a rhyme. Also, the wording, 'beneath the rain' sounds very awkward, although very true to actuality. It could be just that we are used to hearing "in the rain."
"Her beauty
Her fame
Black, white and grey remain."
I just loved this line. Such colour beforehand, and now, just shades of what used to be.
I misread the line at first, and it hit me like lightning, I think it would be exquisite to change 'fame' to 'frame' because, realistically the reader knows nothing of her fame, however, the image of her frame, black white and gey remain, forces us to think of her frame, her body, and its once beautiful shape, now deteriorated to nothingness by a small piece of lead.
I really enjoyed it. Definitely one of your best. ^_^
Thank you.
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by SimplyMe on
Wednesday, 16th March 2005 @ 12:40:44 AM AEST
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I enjoyed this poem very much. It has great imagery. I wouldn't change a thing. Great talent you got there.
~Alucia~ |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by bobotheclown on
Wednesday, 16th March 2005 @ 03:38:27 PM AEST
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This was amazing such wonderful imagery
and it flowed so nicely together. I absolutely
loved this and it was nice to stumble across
one of your poems again Gemma. Yeah this
was a great poem thanks for sharing it.
Bobo (Joel) |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by Bohemian_with_a_pen on
Thursday, 17th March 2005 @ 01:09:58 AM AEST
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| awesome |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by Scarlett on
Thursday, 24th March 2005 @ 04:32:46 AM AEST
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nothing i can say that hasn't already been said.
amazing imagery. |
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Re: Gun-Shy Butterfly
(User Rating: 1 )
by ThePumpkinKing on
Wednesday, 6th April 2005 @ 10:16:45 PM AEST
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| gollee....this is incredible, absolutely incredible, at least in my eyes...great job |
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