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Rocket Ship
Contributed by
JPMcMillan
on
Thursday, 17th March 2005 @ 01:06:34 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
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Come see my horizon, and see how it's made,
Some people can't find it, but it's here everyday.
I've been living in your dreams, for quite some time,
I want to be your tomorrow, hope you don't mind.
Accross the bridge now, where the black waters lay,
A friend has reached out, but I convinced him to stay.
We speak for the pardons, since the very first light,
But, the bomb is next week, so please don't fright.
So, come hang out at my place, we'll dream until dawn,
Get it right, we'll shoot right through the storm,
And tonight, there's so much left to see,
For tonight is all I need.
Copyright ©
JPMcMillan
... [
2005-03-17 01:06:34]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Rocket Ship
(User Rating: 1 )
by Tanmaya on
Thursday, 17th March 2005 @ 01:42:44 AM AEST
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a Message)
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The first stanza is very well-done. It's brilliant.
I only found the last line of the second stanza a little off-tune.
But all in all, great write.
Keep writing...
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Re: Rocket Ship
(User Rating: 1 )
by kodiak_2312 on
Friday, 8th July 2005 @ 10:58:58 AM AEST
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| with complete and total honesty this brought tears to my eyes...may be it hits different people at different times...keep up the great work! - Kodiak |
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Re: Rocket Ship
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 8th July 2005 @ 03:01:07 PM AEST
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a Message)
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i love your theme and your gentle lyrical quality.. this write is good! yet, there is one thing i noticed you could do to improve your writing. (not that i want to interfere in your style.. just think about it i guess.) your cadence in your lines is a bit off.. your poem could have more rhythm if you made each line have the same number of beats, or kept a more fluid pattern of beats. this can be done really easily by adding or taking out a word or two in a few lines to make it smooth. it wouldnt change your brilliant idea, but it would read smoother, and more poetically! i hope it helps.. keep writing, you will mature in your potential if you do...
joshua |
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Re: Rocket Ship
(User Rating: 1 )
by pastiche247 on
Monday, 18th July 2005 @ 08:10:42 PM AEST
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There are some great images here:
"Come see my horizon"
"I've been living in your dreams"
"we'll shoot right through the storm"
I get the feeling there's more to these words than you are telling... Secrets that you are keeping.
LOL
Best,
p |
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