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Will I Ever Be Right?
Contributed by
orangemen566
on
Sunday, 8th May 2005 @ 11:02:11 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
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I'm drawn by all the signs of death,
Like I'm not alright,
Everyone already left,
Will I ever be right?
The seams of life are ripping apart,
Was I really meant to be here,
I'm being thrown like a dart,
Why can't I rid my fears.
I cannot shed tears of lost hopes,
For I am going further,
With the lost cause of never starting cope,
I know I can be stronger.
It just takes some times and truth,
To end the never ending battle,
Do I even know the meaning of truth,
When can I fill in the empty, lost whole of life?
Copyright ©
orangemen566
... [
2005-05-08 11:02:11]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Will I Ever Be Right?
(User Rating: 1 )
by dthwlkr on
Monday, 16th May 2005 @ 12:19:14 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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well am gonna b a lil harsh here,gonna give u a gud critique
first stanza
paints the picture right,gives the right direction to the poem overall nice start
2nd stanza
what happened?????
the 1st stanza increases the readers expections,the 2nd one isnt up to that level and thats primarily because of the 3rd line "i'm being thrown around like a dart" seems like u put it in there just to make the lines rhyme,doesnt go well with the theme all that well though there is a definite correlation,try putting it in a different way
3rd stanza
gud real gud nicely put all in all pretty gud
4th stanza
confusions and contradictions thats wat i feel is the theme of the last para thats cauz where the first 2 lines show hope and desire to move on, the last 2 show self-pity
now as a reader i am pretty confused as to wat is the real theme of the poem because u have argued the cases of both hope and hopelessness nearly on the same scale, try giving a definite conclusion at the end or a clear choice to the reader to make up his own mind
i guess u cud have put in another line or 2
but still things have been put beautifully(no doubt) and i kinda really like the last line so overall i would give u 3.5 on 5 for this write
now dont get mad i gave a very honest review only because i feel this will help u write better and moreover since u say this is an older one u might have already come over these drawbacks.so dont lose heart
KEEP WRITING
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