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bloody lullaby
Contributed by
karmen
on
Tuesday, 10th May 2005 @ 11:19:16 PM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
Hush little girl,
no need to cry,
because in just a few moments,
you will die.
Don't look at me,
and say this is unfair.
You harmed yourself,
so don't you dare.
Heaven will be a nice way,
for you to rest in grace.
Soon those tears,
will dry on your face.
You never gave life,
a chance to show,
all the amazing wonders,
and now you'll never know.
You'll be deeply missed,
but you probably don't care,
because if you did,
you wouldn't be lying there.
Now your eyes slowly close,
and you slip away.
Rest in peace,
see you another day.
Copyright ©
karmen
... [
2005-05-10 23:19:16]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: bloody lullaby
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jimmato on
Tuesday, 10th May 2005 @ 11:51:17 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
Its good but I think you need to establish a more constant rythm on the first line of each stanza to make it read smoother. (Third stanza is gonna trouble you)
You could fix like
Hush now little girl
Don't look at me please
????
You never gave life
You'll be deeply missed
Now eyes slowely close |
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Re: bloody lullaby
(User Rating: 1 )
by karmen on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 12:12:45 AM AEST
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| um.. no i like the way i wrote it and if u dont then whatever its ur opinion but i dont even know i think the way i wrote it shouldn't be messed with because its what I wrote not you I'm not messing with your writing saying what u should change because its your writing what your feeling at that moment. |
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Re: bloody lullaby
(User Rating: 1 )
by Butterflygirl40 on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 12:22:47 AM AEST
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I Dont see nothing wrong with this poem.
i like it .. i think it was very good. but sad tho. |
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Re: bloody lullaby
(User Rating: 1 )
by pUnKa_RaCh on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 12:57:32 AM AEST
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|
oh this is very sad....makes my heart break
but lovely, touching poetry & it is so tragic wen we lose a loved one by suicide |
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Re: bloody lullaby
(User Rating: 1 )
by deathdrop on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 05:54:16 AM AEST
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|
Wow! This is very powerful!
I tried to kill myself on Monday and this just cuts so deep!
Thanks for putting it up here though…
I find this poem very twisted.
Was that your idea of what you wanted to achieve?
I’m not saying I don’t like your poem because I think it’s excellent, it’s just quite disturbing for me to read after what happened to me two days ago.
But it is good.
Just quite scary…
*smiles*
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Re: bloody lullaby
(User Rating: 1 )
by sride686 on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 06:09:46 AM AEST
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a Message)
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You know what F--- All these critics man you wrote a great peace of art from the heart and I truly can feels the pain in this piece. Its not up to us to say whether this write is good or bad its from your heart and emotions poured out for all to read. Who are we to say that what your feeling is written wrong. Keep writing this write was a much enjoyed read that opened my own thoughts on this page. To many times have I thought about this as well. Take care and forget these people my friend….Steve
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Re: bloody lullaby
(User Rating: 1 )
by Moon_Kitten05_07 on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 09:57:28 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| like it . it really toched deep down. are you write about a baby or grown up? |
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