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This smile
Contributed by
marshmalloska
on
Saturday, 28th May 2005 @ 03:39:36 PM in AEST
Topic:
ambiguous
|
This!
Happiness disgusts me
This
Smile sickens me
It is a broken man
Who walks carefree amidst
Gleaming towers
Carrying easily the golden sun
Upon his shoulders
I ache for a cold
Bullet
In a quiet
Corner
Of desolation
The symathy of a single one
Passing
In the blink of eternity
The moment that realses the tradgedy
And is shaken
Warm breeze
Dancing sky
Damn this freedom
I long for the splinters of a broken cage
Door ajar
Yet fear of the shadow beyond
Stills
Inside
Quivering
Wide, bright eyes
Anticipate ultimate liberty
Bones rust
Blood crumbles
Mind screaming
Copyright ©
marshmalloska
... [
2005-05-28 15:39:36]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: This smile
(User Rating: 1 )
by MorningGlory on
Saturday, 28th May 2005 @ 03:57:39 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Very clever.
I like how you set the poem to the page.
Very good. |
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Re: This smile
(User Rating: 1 )
by rockergirl94 on
Sunday, 11th September 2005 @ 05:55:16 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I think the format that you typed the poem in really suits the poem, how you put it into so many lines. It makes it seem as if they are the thoughts racing through your mind. I really like the part when you wrote, "I ache for a cold bullet in a quiet corner..." Something about it just stays with me.
I also like how you said "Warm breeze, dancing sky, damn this freedom". There is such a contrast going from the good emotion of the first part, to cursing it. It really makes it stick out.
Great job, and keep it up
keep writing, keep hoping
- Julie |
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