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jigsaw
Contributed by
dolly_dagger
on
Tuesday, 28th June 2005 @ 06:05:07 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I wonder sometimes
When I wander
What I would do
Without you
My black hole heart
Would suck all the happiness,
All the love from my little body
I'd be known simply as The Void
(to be avoided)
Whilst I search desperately
For the alms of your arms
Here and now is so beautiful
With eternity just around the blind corner
I hope
That we never unravel -
Our souls are woven so close
I hope
That the destruction of our masterpiece is such an awful idea that
It will not even flit
Across the fleeting thought of
A potential assailant...
I wish that all would wish us well, always
And forever
You have all of my puzzle pieces and
They will all fall into place for you
You
You
You make my spine tingle
You make me sing in the shower
You make me smile out loud in a silent room
You make my sun rise
You make my skin shine
You make me
Me
Copyright ©
dolly_dagger
... [
2005-06-28 18:05:07]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: jigsaw
(User Rating: 1 )
by nosoup4crr on
Tuesday, 28th June 2005 @ 06:39:20 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| You have some great sequences of words. I especially like the third stanza. I think that this poem could be defined by these sequences if you try as hard throughout. But I think you lose some steam, especially in the last stanza. I think you knew it already, but these cliches hurt your poem. They don't do the rest of it justice. A little more refining, and I think it could be a very good piece. Try taking out a few extra syllables, and toy with the idea of tying to make it more personal, somehow. Good luck. |
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Re: jigsaw
(User Rating: 1 )
by jade_elephant on
Wednesday, 31st August 2005 @ 03:56:22 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I too am in this place, and I agree it is beautiful. No doubt this will all be challenged at some point (either by our own choice or by.. uni mayb?!) but for now we must enjoy, bask in it darling! lots of love xx |
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