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Sky Lit Canopy
Contributed by
zooyork_chick
on
Sunday, 6th April 2008 @ 08:38:13 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
i wrote my name in the sand ,
we let go of each others hands,
tracing your name in the sky,
not wanting to say goodbye,
the prints as you walked away,
sun setting on our very last day,
treading further away from me,
my tears fall in to the sea,
our first kiss our first song,
our first embrace,
our final farewell our ultimate fight,
i will never forget any of these nights,
i dont wish for them back,
they are all in the past,
but wish i could have lived them,
as if they were my last,
memories are sweet,
but often askew,
time sure does heal,
i have forgotten you.
Copyright ©
zooyork_chick
... [
2008-04-06 08:38:13]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Sky Lit Canopy
(User Rating: 1 )
by 5MinutePoet on
Sunday, 6th April 2008 @ 09:35:08 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Positive would be the first 2 stanzas, simple and effective. Good for creating imagary.
Negatives, the 3rd stanza just didn't fit, the ryhme scheme went awal and the continued confused into the last stanzas. Personally this really detracts from a great start.
I'm always honest in my critiques and i always provide a positive. I critique as i expect to be critiqued, hope it helped |
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Re: Sky Lit Canopy
(User Rating: 1 )
by whome on
Sunday, 6th April 2008 @ 11:27:56 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I really liked the first two verses.
The third verse seems to be detached
Maybe "Remembering our first embrace ......" might have linked it all together.
The last two verses almost appear to be from another poem altogether.
I am not trying to be critical or rude, it is just my observations hoping to be of some help |
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