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Chocolate
Contributed by
AznDemon300
on
Wednesday, 25th April 2012 @ 06:20:02 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Chocolate, the king of sweets.
It's the most common food you'll find in my bag of treats.
No matter if it's dark, milk, or white,
I take one out to eat every night.
As I take my first bite,
my mouth suddenly closes tight.
My tongue says, "Melt chocolate melt!"
As the chocolate melts, a sweet sensation is all I felt.
After seconds, the sweet sensation goes away.
My brain says, "No wait! Please please stay!"
The sweet sensation becomes fully dissolved.
You start having another craving, but it's okay. Just grab another one! Problem solved.
Copyright ©
AznDemon300
... [
2012-04-25 18:20:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Chocolate
(User Rating: 1 )
by gypsymaddness on
Wednesday, 25th April 2012 @ 07:01:21 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| This one is cute, funny, and makes me feel better. Its great for a smile :-) and you rhymed it, made it seem almost like a school rhym. I think this one is positive, and nice :-) |
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Re: Chocolate
(User Rating: 1 )
by doug on
Wednesday, 25th April 2012 @ 07:04:21 PM AEST
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Ok... you said you wanted feedback so here goes. First let me say that much about poetry is subjective just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is free verse of course and then there are the more classical styles.
I enjoy free verse but there is much to be said for knowing the structures and rules of older styles. I can only give you my opinion of what would improve your poetry based on what I , myself , like but here goes. First I enjoy a poem in which the number of syllables in each sentence is roughly the same. Having 9 syllables in the first sentence and then 29 , for instance , in the second makes a poem feel choppy with no real sense of flow to it. I would also enjoy a more descriptive description of chocolate. I will try to provide an example from the top of my head.
This thing , a raging sweet desire
torrent of dark confection
Dreams of sugar filled obssession
Lost in bliss without direction
notice the syllable count is from first to last , 8
, 7 , 8 , 8.
If you really want to improve you might look into poetry techniques such as alliteration ,
personification , assonance , internal rhyme and metaphor. To end on a positive note , however , I can say honestly that I've never come across another poem on this site about chocolate so this shows the promise that you are an original writer and that , to me , is one of the rarest and best types of poet. Do keep writing and I hope this actually helps and does'nt just sound snobby and nit-pickery like. I don't know that that's a word but you get the meaning. Take care , truly , Doug |
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